the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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