final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
