This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
