1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
