sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
