Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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