apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
