I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I had to cum in my sink.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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