It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
