Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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