..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
