I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
