So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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