This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
