If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
