new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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