my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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