I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
