I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
