I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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