tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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