Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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