My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like the curious george of whores
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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