I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
