I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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