Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
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Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
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