that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
