Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
