Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
