in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
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