All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
