Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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