my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
