guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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