he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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