I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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