If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
