She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
