his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my being single is dangerous.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
