I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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