3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
