at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
