the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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