Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
