if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
