I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I need moral support for this bender
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
