Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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