She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
