sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
