Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
