you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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