Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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