There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
