I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
