whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
