Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
